Will Hartzell-Baird, Author of Death Mill Mansion: A Light-Hearted Comedy
In light of your recent graduation, I've prepared some advice to assist you in your transition to college. Hopefully it will prove useful to you, but in the event that it does not, I trust that this will make it up to you. Without further ado:
1. Beware the geese.
If your college experience is at all like mine was, you'll find that campus has a…wildlife…problem. And the trouble isn't the squishy green presents they leave all over the sidewalk for you, either. The main issue is the surprise attacks. Many an unsuspecting college student walking alone at night has been mauled by the packs of vicious geese that roam the campus, hissing and spitting and sticking out their weird little bird tongues.
College administrators often make the mistake of attracting these malevolent creatures by constructing fountains or ponds, or occasionally even actively feeding the little monsters. My advice? Steer clear, avoid eye contact, and preferably, carry some sort of semi-automatic weapon. As a precaution, I would also recommend, if at all possible, traversing campus with a friend who runs slower than you do.
2. Parking.
Some freshmen come to college with unrealistic expectations regarding the parking lots on college campuses; i.e., that there are parking spaces in them. Consequently, new students time their driving poorly, with the inevitable result that they show up halfway through the lecture, panting from the half-mile run from their car and bleeding from their copious goose bites, and skulk to a seat in the back row amid the snickers and pointing fingers of their classmates.
It is best to avoid this situation by arriving to class at least an hour early for a few weeks. Fortunately, a month or so into the semester, the parking lots will clear up as the new students realize that it's much easier to skip class in college, and are consequently never seen or heard from again.
3. Office Hours.
As part of an ongoing practical joke by college administrators, full-time professors are generally forced to maintain regular office hours each week. Your instructors typically use this time to catch up on lost sleep, work on their Netflix queue, or throw darts at pictures of college administrators.
Although most students don't bother stopping by, I strongly encourage you to attend these office hours, as this frightens professors, and they will usually provide you with the exam answers in advance in an effort to appease you.
4. Turn off your cell phone.
If you're going to communicate with the outside world during class, the appropriate course of action is to bring in your laptop “for taking notes,” then screw around on Facebook. Resist the temptation to contact your professor during this time, as this is considered bad form.
5. Textbooks.
Some students don't bother purchasing textbooks, since no one ever reads them after the first couple of weeks anyway, but I highly recommend that you take that extra trip to the bookstore. After all, at the end of the semester, when you've squandered all your savings on assault rifles to fend off those satanic geese, you'll be thrilled to sell back your seven hundred dollar textbook for enough cash to buy a pack of Ramen noodles.
I hope you've found this article helpful. However, if there's one thing you take away from this article, please, let it be this: stay away from the geese. Seriously.
1. Beware the geese.
If your college experience is at all like mine was, you'll find that campus has a…wildlife…problem. And the trouble isn't the squishy green presents they leave all over the sidewalk for you, either. The main issue is the surprise attacks. Many an unsuspecting college student walking alone at night has been mauled by the packs of vicious geese that roam the campus, hissing and spitting and sticking out their weird little bird tongues.
College administrators often make the mistake of attracting these malevolent creatures by constructing fountains or ponds, or occasionally even actively feeding the little monsters. My advice? Steer clear, avoid eye contact, and preferably, carry some sort of semi-automatic weapon. As a precaution, I would also recommend, if at all possible, traversing campus with a friend who runs slower than you do.
2. Parking.
Some freshmen come to college with unrealistic expectations regarding the parking lots on college campuses; i.e., that there are parking spaces in them. Consequently, new students time their driving poorly, with the inevitable result that they show up halfway through the lecture, panting from the half-mile run from their car and bleeding from their copious goose bites, and skulk to a seat in the back row amid the snickers and pointing fingers of their classmates.
It is best to avoid this situation by arriving to class at least an hour early for a few weeks. Fortunately, a month or so into the semester, the parking lots will clear up as the new students realize that it's much easier to skip class in college, and are consequently never seen or heard from again.
3. Office Hours.
As part of an ongoing practical joke by college administrators, full-time professors are generally forced to maintain regular office hours each week. Your instructors typically use this time to catch up on lost sleep, work on their Netflix queue, or throw darts at pictures of college administrators.
Although most students don't bother stopping by, I strongly encourage you to attend these office hours, as this frightens professors, and they will usually provide you with the exam answers in advance in an effort to appease you.
4. Turn off your cell phone.
If you're going to communicate with the outside world during class, the appropriate course of action is to bring in your laptop “for taking notes,” then screw around on Facebook. Resist the temptation to contact your professor during this time, as this is considered bad form.
5. Textbooks.
Some students don't bother purchasing textbooks, since no one ever reads them after the first couple of weeks anyway, but I highly recommend that you take that extra trip to the bookstore. After all, at the end of the semester, when you've squandered all your savings on assault rifles to fend off those satanic geese, you'll be thrilled to sell back your seven hundred dollar textbook for enough cash to buy a pack of Ramen noodles.
I hope you've found this article helpful. However, if there's one thing you take away from this article, please, let it be this: stay away from the geese. Seriously.
~~~
Read my review of Will's novel, Death Mill Mansion: A Lighthearted Comedy, here. It's one of my favourite novels ever! Filled with humor and an insane plot with multiple sub-stories, it's a read you guys can't miss!
Also, today's Will's birthday! So leave your happy birthday wishes because he's an awesome guy. :3
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