I saw a show on Oprah about men on the down-low. I didn’t know what that meant – to be on the down-low. Until the guys told their stories. It meant you’re married, but you have sex with men on the side.
This show gave me hope.
I know that’s kind of sad.
I’m not gay. There are certain things I don’t do and as long as I don’t do them, I’m safe. I don’t kiss. I don’t suck. I don’t fall in love. That’s the most important. If you fall in love with a guy, you’re totally a pole smoker.
I like having sex with guys – the feel of their skin, their muscles, their angular shape. I like their smell. I’m not ready to give that up.
But I’m getting married. Someday. I want to have kids. I want to be normal. Maybe that’s not being honest with – whoever she turns out to be. My wife. I worry about that. I do. I wish it could be different.
I could become a priest. But most priests are gay. Aren’t they?
I miss David. A lot. I liked our talks, seeing him get all shy when I was around, having him do me. He really liked me. Not everyone does. I appreciated that.
In the end, he cut me loose. If only he hadn’t wanted so much from me. I never promised him whatever it was he was looking for.
I’m not mean. I didn’t like hurting him.
Except when he was annoying. Then I kinda liked it.
In the end, it’s simple. He wanted a boyfriend. That doesn’t work for me. I wish I could do that. I see how it could be nice with someone like him. But I can’t. I can’t be gay. Not now anyway.
Oh, god, I can’t believe I just wrote that. Suggesting that someday. In the future . . . .
I don’t want to look into that. I really, really don’t.
I’ve got a good thing going. And now I know it’s name. Being on the down-low. It’s like having your cake and eating it two. That might not work for you. But maybe it works for me. I do love cake.
And really, who is to say, anyway?
~~~This was my first novel read through a homosexual person's perspective. It gave me a lot more insight on what it would be like to be in love with the same gender as your own. You can win one of two copies of this coming-og-age novel by entering below!
Prize(s): Two signed copies of David Inside Out
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